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Posts tagged ‘humor’

Things I never thought I’d say in church

Do not walk like Yoda

Do not pretend you have a light saber.  No – not even a pretend one. 

Get down from those steps!  You may not jump like Spiderman!  

No, you cannot play the drums on the stage.  Get down!  Right now!  

No, I don’t think Jesus has a light saber.  He really doesn’t need one. 

Yes, God could beat both Spiderman and the Hulk.  At the same time. 

You may not fly down the hallway (arms outstretched, like Superman)

Please do not push people and say “Coming through!”  It’s rude. 

I don’t really think Jesus said, “Don’t color in Sunday school” now did he?  

I understand you like the water fountain, but you may not gargle and spit out the water. 

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Fireworks, tresspassors, and pirate ladies

This year, personal fireworks usage was banned in our county, due to drought conditions. The city, however, was allowed to continue their tradition with a lovely show that takes place over a large river. My husband thought it would be a good idea to watch from a nearby parking garage, on the other side of the river, to avoid traffic. The show wasn’t going to start until 10pm, and that is very, very late for our 4 year old.

We packed a few things and headed to the garage, a few miles from our house. We arrived about 20 minutes before the show was to begin, and there were just a handful of other cars (SCORE- we gotta remember this next year). As we got out of the SUV and opened the back, which was going to be our seating area, my husband noticed somebody on top of the stairwell, by the fans. This is all encased and locked, meaning the person had to scale the fire escape and climb over a locked gate, assuming they did not have a key. We are talking 6-7 stories above ground. As my husband works for the university which owns this parking garage, and after some very unfortunate incidents with students where they don’t belong in recent years, he decided to call it in – that is, until he saw his buddy, a police officer, there as a spectator. His buddy called it in, and the K9 unit showed up. They made the guy come down, searched him, and off he went. Nothing too spectacular, but interesting none the less.

While we are watching this event unfold, one of our “neighbors” for the evening was chatting with me. We wandered over to the edge of the garage to get our bearings and to figure out exactly where the fireworks will be launched. I came back to the SUV, and my two boys were lounging in the back. The four-year-old says, “Who was that pirate lady you were talking to?” You see, my new friend was wearing a bandana around her head. Our oldest just laid down in the back and laughed. Later, he asked, can we have any kind of family outing without some kind of event happening? I looked at his dad and brother and said, “Not with those two.”

The day my son met “God”

About a month ago, my paternal grandfather died.  We headed up north, with all three kids in tow.  As we were seated for the funeral, my 4 year old (who was on my lap) was very agitated.   I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, as I was trying to focus on what I was going to say, when it was my turn to go up.  Finally, I whispered, “What is WRONG?!”  He looked very upset and concerned.  He pointed to the corner, where my cousin Paul was sitting.   Paul is a priest.  At our church, our minister is very informal and does not wear a collar.  Paul, of course, was dressed all in black, his white collar very prominant.  I think, OK, here comes a question about clothes or something.  I realized I also had not introduced my son to Paul, so he probably didn’t know who he was. 

Colin slowly takes his eyes off of Paul, looks and me, and says, “Is that GOD sitting in the corner?”  It was so hard not to laugh.

Welcome to my world

When my son (now 4) was just over two years old, my husband and I were talking about something… I cannot remember what now.  My son wandered over, listened for a moment, shook his head and said, “Welcome to my world!” and wandered off. 

My husband just stopped and looked at me. 

Yes, he had picked that up from me.  I’m just glad he didn’t say “a**hole driver!”  He still hasn’t said that yet.   The day is coming. 

Welcome to my world.

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