Epic fail

Epic fail AND I’m not sorry. All week I’ve listened to my ex talk about random topics: the vacation he took with my son, work issues, the home improvement store not sorting bolts by size correctly, how many skittles he has to freeze dry for a family commitment. Instead of setting healthy boundaries, I let it fester then blow just like Mt. Vesuvius. I know this trigger. I’ve known it for 15+ years. The words “I wish you were dead” came out of my mouth. In my darkest moment, it’s true. Why??? Why do I allow this to happen? I hate this. I hate my anxiety and my anger issues. Yes, I’m in therapy for both. I just want to co-parent civilly, but it’s hard when I didn’t want this and he’s going to bars picking up women. Our divorce has been final since late April and just now am I finally able to move to an apartment Aug 1 while building a house (not complete until January). This has been my own personal hell.

You don’t deserve me

You don’t deserve me. I stood by you during your chronic illnesses. I tolerated your crappy behavior during my pregnancy. I paid for two lawyers when your world fell apart, unjustly accused of something you didn’t do. I then paid for years of counseling for the person who most needed it. I took care of your children when you were too sick or just didn’t want to, because TV or your online women were more interesting. I taught our son to play basketball because you… well… you didn’t. I planned and plotted our future. I saved money so we could retire. I gave up time with family because you didn’t like them. Then I got sick of it. I argued and fought. I couldn’t take the hoarding, the belittlement, being ignored, the obsession with the government, the emotional abuse. I threatened divorce several times when the pain was just too much. You finally called my bluff and said you were done. It look me months to realize this was a gift. Thank you. I’m free.